Would you Poke a Growling Lion with a Stick?

I know it's been a long time, a really, really, looong time since my last post.  But you'll have to forgive me,the business with my new job, new house, and being pregnant have been quite distracting.  So, I just read this from The Guy's Guide to Surviving Pregnancy, Childbirth.... and felt the need to share it- with everyone.

'And if the waiting and swelling aren't enough fun for you, there is also the fact that your very grumpy bride will no longer be able to sleep, as the baby has grown so big that it is nearly impossible for her to get any rest at all.  So she's swollen, tired, gassy, in constant back pain, cranky, bruised on the inside from the baby making her into a human punching bag, constipated, suffering from hemorrhoids, still gassy, getting false contractions, frightened about the impending labor pains, frantically packing and unpacking her hospital suitcase because she keeps forgetting to put shit in there, still freakin' gassy, and just a joy to be around in general.  So whatever you do, stay out of the way.  Do absolutely nothing to piss this woman off.  Would you poke a growling lion with a stick?  Of course not.  Just do what you've been doing all along.  Smile, nod, and say "OK" to whatever she says'

Enough said folks.  Happy holidays and hopefully I'll post again, something more cheerful perhaps?

Rehab

I’ve decided not to go.  I acknowledge that I have a problem but I don’t think rehab is going to fix the situation.  Wait, let me back up.  Hi, my name is Heather and I’m a shopaholic (perhaps I should have led with that). 

It’s difficult not to want to buy myself things after putting in a week’s worth of long hours and hard work.  I feel like I deserve it.  As I become more of an adult (although I’m kicking and screaming as I do) I’m learning that some things are worth waiting for.  Some things are worth the sacrifice of a gluttonous Friday night or a sweet pair of distressed camel, buckled, riding boots (no, these are different from the ones I just bought).  I understand that if I could refrain from the weekly shopping urge I could probably save up enough money to buy: the iPad I keep yacking about, a sqeezebox with speakers (I like to play my music loud), or maybe even something really adult like a house. 

I’m sure all you well-behaved adults have been hip to this concept for some time now and are probably wondering what my problem is.  My problem is this: I’m not very patient when it comes to getting what I want; at times I’m quite selfish; I do not like it when the universe tells me “no”; also, I like pretty things. 

So, perhaps it’s time to grow up.  Time to deal with money like the responsible adult I’ve been groomed to be (ha, ha – snort).  Maybe that’s all rehab is really: accepting your shortcomings; growing up; doing the responsible thing. 

I should put this stuff in a book, get a book deal, then a TV show called Healthy and Happy with Nurse Heather, then make personal appearances at colleges and self-help seminars.  Oh, barf, you know I can’t stand that shit; I just needed to make this light-hearted again.      

Sooo Over PC

I had two plans for my flight yesterday: a) sleep or b) watch the NBC pilot of Smash - again.  But none of this happened.  What happened instead was technological humiliation. 

Let me set the scene:  Me: 28 hours without sleep sandwiched between two strangers.  Stranger #1 was, at first glance, a young kid clutching a sub sandwich while shaking with excitement.  I later discover he’s an adult male wearing clothes two sizes too big and has Tourette’s (I’m being serious).  Stranger #2 was a tall, trendy, perfume-y but, thankfully, not chatty female.  Every time I would start to dose off, stranger #1 would twitch and knock my knee or elbow (not trying to be mean).  I should also add that Stranger #1 was playing some war game on his Macbook at this time. Meanwhile Stranger #2 was listening to something on her iPhone, while playing gems on her iPad, which was sitting on top of the latest Steve Jobs book (walking advertisement, right?). 

So there I was sandwiched between two appleheads when I decide to pull out my – wait for it – Sony VAIO.  If I can’t sleep then at least I can watch the free download of Smash again.  Instead I’m faced with a black screen with archaic white letters informing me that Windows needed to be restarted.  So, I press the appropriate keys.  Then I get another black screen (same annoying lettering) stating that my C drive is something or other, blah, blah.  I press a button to escape but nothing happens.  I’m already feeling a little embarrassed because by now both appleheads are looking over my shoulder and frowning as if they’ve never seen such a thing.  I spend five minutes pushing buttons with no success.  I finally give up and stow the laptop back under the seat like the PC loser that I am.  This would never have happened to Steve Jobs (RIP).    

I’m so over PC.

Creature of the Night

Recent adjustments in my work schedule have been interesting.  In a way my new lifestyle is more akin to that of rock stars, gangsters, Gotham  villains, and vampires.  At least that's what I like to think.  It really isn't interesting as any of that though.  Still I thought I'd share a bit of what it is like for me.

When most people are preparing to leave work I'm just waking up.  

I drive against traffic now, which is less cool than I'd imagined.  Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm in a horror film, or an episode of The Walking Dead, as I head towards a city that everyone is rushing to get away from.  

I no longer have to wake up in the dark or come home in the dark like the rest if you day-shifters.  

I never seem to know what day it is anymore.  I go into work on a Sunday, I come home on a Monday...seems simple enough but I still can't keep it straight in my head.

I feel more like a diva now because I sleep with a face mask.

I wake up much happier than I used to.  The old 5am alarm clock can no longer rip me from my dreams.  In fact, I rarely use an alarm now.

I miss a lot of phones calls, emails, and tweets. Though, perhaps, that really isn't new.

Even though I only work 3 days a week it feels like more.  I lose a day sleeping to catch up with the daytimers.  

Although I'm no vampire or rock star, I still feel mysterious and kind of cool.  I'm aware this feeling might fade with time.  But for now I choose to embrace the night.
I know that last bit was corny but I just couldn't delete it!
Sleep well.

2012 Movie List

The Iron Lady – Meryl Streep plays Margaret Thatcher, Oscar nod for sure

Coriolanus – Starring and directed by Ralph Fiennes (aka Voldemort). I love a modern spin on Shakespeare.

We Need to Talk about Kevin – Stars Tilda Swinton (love) and John C. Rielly (tolerate).  It’s an odd pairing but it might work in this artsy drama.  Most of the film was shot in a day in one room.

Albert Nobbs – Glen Close plays a woman playing a man in 19^th century Ireland.  Probably an Oscar nod for her as well.

Man on a Ledge – I like Sam Worthington and have been fond of Jamie Bell since he danced his way into my heart as Billie Eliot.  Elizabeth Banks and Kyra Sedgwick’s roles should be flipped.  Banks is the detective and Sedgwick the news reporter, WTF?  Oh, and Ed Harris plays the villain. 

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters – Yup. They’ve twisted a Brother’s Grimm story to jump on the supernatural moneymaker bandwagon.  Could be fun, might be a rental.

The Raven – John Cusack plays Edgar Allen Poe in a Sherlock Holmes-like mystery movie.  Who doesn’t like Poe?

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen – Not a big fan of gooey romadromedies but I LOVE Ewen McGregor and Emily Blunt (finally forgave her for The Adjustment Bureau).  This movie will either be thought-provoking or pointless.

Hunger Games – YES!  I read this series long before they ever announced turning it into a movie.  Read it!

The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises – Considering how often I talk about super heroes I don’t feel the need to explain these three.

Dark Shadows – Um, Johnny Depp as a vampire, naturally.  Directed by Tim Burton, need I say more? 

Snow White and the Huntsman – I love that Snow White is no longer a pale damsel in distress.  She’s a strong, bold fighter who happens to live with little men.  Now, when I think of strong young women I don’t think of Kristen Scott Thomas but I’ll give her the opportunity to prove me wrong. 

Prometheus – I must admit I don’t know much about this film but it’s directed by Ridley Scott so I have to include it.

Stay tuned for my Summer 2012 Must See list!

A Christmas Miracle

Statistics show that CPR has a success rate of 3-7%.  Why even bother with it then?  Chest compressions are hard to do (think cardio kickboxing hard) and they’re no picnic for the recipient.  Even if the dead person comes back to life, her chances of having proper brain function are decreased and heart disease greatly increased.  Worse still, a broken rib (which happens A LOT) could puncture a lung and then out wheels the ventilator – or what I like to call the balloon pump.  And sometimes people die, get CPR and come back just to die all over again.  So, I still ask you, why bother? 

Here’s why:

Today I witnessed a miracle.  I can’t divulge much information due to HIPAA violations.  But trust me it’s an AMAZING story; some might even call it a Christmas miracle.  Today my patient, who until recently had a very poor prognosis, held my hand and said “Thank You.”  It gave me goose bumps. 

The fact that 93-97% of us may never be brought back to life, but a small percentage could die (three times even) and come back with little to no morbidities is, well, a fucking miracle!

So, if you are reading this and are not yet CPR certified then shame on you.  I’m thinking of making that a requirement for friendship now.  No one wants to drop dead next to a friend who all they can do is stand there crying for help while they soil themselves.  Be useful; make me one of the 3%, dammit!       

Bring it on streets of G-bury

My goal was to start out slow and jog for 20 minutes.  Somewhere between minutes 17 and 20 I got lost.  More like I wasn’t in the location I had intended to be.  It’s not that I’m directionally challenged (I’m not, thank you very much) I just don’t pay attention.  I daydream A LOT and forget to look at street names.  It also doesn’t help that I’m new to the neighborhood. 

So, I ended up jogging for 31 minutes instead of 20.  Seems like getting lost works for me.  In fact I think that will be my new lose weight/get in shape plan for 2012.  No more safe and boring treadmill or mapping out my jogs.  I will just head out blindly, have no regard for street signs and see where I end up.  This could either be brilliant or dangerous.  Brilliance and I are close friends and danger’s never held me back before.  Bring it on streets of G-bury.